I really have no recollection of being taught to say "I'm sorry." But, as I have no problems saying it, I guess someone put those golden words in my mouth. However, I don't think it was my Mom.
In July, when we were home, Jun did something she shouldn't do. I can't remember what, but, anyway...So, I told her to tell Grandma, "I'm sorry." Well, Grandma turned to me and asked what SHE should say in reply. And, I really had no answer.
In Japan, the custom and culture is to say "I'm sorry", for practically everything. I used to joke about that - "I'm sorry for living!" But, it is a part of the "oil" that "greases" the wheels of this culture. So, I say it a lot in Japanese too. And am teaching Jun to as well. In Japanese, the routine answer seems to be "Ii yo!" (That's O.K.)
And, sometimes it is O.K. But, sometimes I am still a bit, ahhh, for a good word here. Hmmmm. In need of calcium? Upset. Needing a bit more TIME before I can say it is all O.K. However, in Japanese or English, Jun has just apologized like I asked her to.
So, I tried to think of the difference between forgiving someone and forgetting about what happened. I know, this is a big topic for big things, but I want to teach Jun about this topic while things are still small. I want to show her God's forgiveness too, while she is still small.
So, this morning, when she did something and said "I'm sorry.", I told her, "You're forgiven." And, I think I like that approach.
BUT!!! I was talking to Ryu last night, and we decided to ask you all. What do you do with your children, students, kids you know? What do you say in ENGLISH!?!?!?! Please help us out!
4 comments:
I go with my heart. Sometimes that means..I forgive you...or its ok...or sometimes I just say thank you
so far i have them say, 'that's ok.', though i agree, sometimes it's not ok. but if someone apologizes, and means it, then i think you need to try to let it go. i am not religious, so i am not certain, but aren't you supposed to let it go to god?
sometimes if they do something to *me* and then say, 'i'm sorry.', i might say, 'that's ok, sweetie, but next time try to be more careful.' or something similar.
Ooo, good question! I think at Jun's age you're just trying to get her to be in the habit of saying I'm sorry and she's probably not really internalizing your response anyways. But around 3 or 4, she will start to notice your response and you'll start to notice her attitude when she says I'm sorry. Sometimes it'll be heartfelt and sometimes it's muttered or even spat out! When you get to that point, that's when you want to be more concerned about your answer and what it means.
If I get a real "I'm sorry" then I say that it's OK, but please don't do it again or have a conversation about how what they did and the consequences, etc. But if I get a muttered "I'm sorry" then I ask them to try again until they can say it properly because it really does show where their heart is. Then once I know that their heart is in the right place, I can give them the grace they need. One of my kids is especially stubborn and sometimes she needs a few time outs before she'll bend her will.
Because we have all girls, I feel a responsibility to teach them how to take responsibility for their emotions and their words so I've thought about this a lot. I hope this helps!!
In Russian we don't say "I'm sorry" as much as we say, "Please forgive me." "I'm sorry" isn't enough, alone. To me, to "please forgive me," the answer is always, "I forgive you." Maybe you can teach, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
I've noticed Max (at 4 1/2) will do something small, like bump into you and says, "Oh! You forgive me, yes?!" It's an interesting response. For big things, I think he should ASK forgiveness, tho!
My mom always responded to the "I'm sorry" line (as teenager), "Don't be sorry-- just don't do it again!"
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